Saturday (Wine Induced) Randomness

When I was pregnant, I craved Journey. Yes, Journey... the 80s rock group. I listened to Don't Stop Believing every.single.day of my pregnancy.

Loudly.

Multiple times.

Driving in my MINI.

Good times.

Judgment Day

A friend's FB status today was about how her kids go bananas when walking into daycare and insist on being carried. She was venting and maybe asking for a bit of advice when one of our mutual friends chimed in and the first question she asked was "do you feel guilty for taking your kids to daycare" before moving on to other questions and finally suggesting that maybe the kids are picking up on mom's vibes.

This question pissed me off. It really did and I let it be known. Yes, I know what she was getting at and she didn't really mean for it to be interpreted that way but she said it and it rubbed me the wrong way. I responded with a sarcastic "I didn't know we were supposed to feel guilty for taking our kids to daycare" before responding directly to my friend's original status.

Stuff like this gets my back up. I've had SO many people ask me if I feel guilty for working or how many hours M spends at daycare and while I maybe sometimes feel not-so-great-on-certain-but-rare-days, I am so over the guilt thing. This is our reality and it works for us and ALL of us are thriving and dare I say... loving it?

As mothers, we judge. I know I did (and do truth be told) though I'm trying to ignore anything that doesn't involve me & our bubble of a life but yeah, I judge the mother who stands there pushing a baby stroller while smoking or the mother who makes no attempt to teach her kid manners and I certainly judge the mother who judges ME. I try not to judge the action but yes ma'am, I will judge the person who judges me.

Since having a baby, I have noticed that some other mothers feel it's within their right to question other mother's parenting choices. The first question most people ask after a mother has her baby is if she had an epidural (I did) or if she did it all naturally. I had SO many people pass judgment on me because I/we CHOSE not to breastfeed. Friends made comments, suggested I just try it, tell me it was better for MY baby, etc. We did not practice attachment parenting and in my little online community of mothers, that was a fate worse than death. When I went back to work, friends constantly asked if I felt guilty about it or if I thought I SHOULD stay home with my son or even implied that my choice to return to work was BAD.

I really don't care how you raise your kid(s) because at the end of the day, you don't live in my home. As long as your kid grows to be a functioning part of society -- you know, doesn't rob banks, beat up other kids and that sort of thing -- I don't care what you do to get them there. Your daughter is in daycare? *gasp* You breastfed your toddler? *omg* You gave birth and took the drugs? *shame* Why do we do this to each other?!

Judge me or make a blanket judgmental statement and yes, I'll judge you for making such ridiculous and ignorant comments that work to make a mother feel badly about the decisions she (and her partner) have made. I'll maybe even judge you for the fear that your kids will pick up on these sorts of ignorant thoughts.

Accepting the Ifs

For the longest time, I didn't think I wanted children. Suddenly, I missed a period, peed on a stick and gave birth 38 weeks later. Love. There is obviously much more to the story than just a don't/do situation and it involved a lot of questions & answers, self-reflection & heartache but here we are and life is good.

Since having M, I've really struggled with the notion of having a 2nd. I mean, I always assumed we'd have another baby because I didn't really want an only child. I wanted M to have the sort of sibling relationship that I share with my brother. I didn't want M to go through what D went through when his mom passed away because he was the only child.

We both always spattered appropriate conversations with "when we have" and never really used "if we have". We packed away M's baby stuff and moved it all -- every little bit -- into my parent's basement for later use. Slowly, conversations shifted to use "if/when we have another" until recently when I announced that I am done. I think. I am.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it and looking into it ('cause I weirdly google anything and everything) and I truly think I'm done. My reasons above are not a good reason for US to have a second baby. For us, there are many reasons for not having a 2nd. Yes, I realize it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself and maybe I am a bit.

I feel done. I feel complete. I feel like M is this bundle of perfection and why would I jinx it by trying to have another?! I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I love working. I love the life D & I can afford for our family with only one child. I feel like D & I can raise a thoughtful & caring but balanced singleton.

I feel like I've finally accepted the ifs and the life D & I have mapped out for our family. There's always a chance we'll change our minds but for right now, we are content and at peace with our decision.

Pretty random post for the first time in over a month, huh?

Saturday Night Party

Between trying to stay warm on this chilly Saturday and hoping to dig myself out of this mountain of work that followed me home this weekend, I'm finally sitting on the couch and doing nothing. I snacked on buttery popcorn, nursed some Emergen-C (the sick & cleansing girl's alternative to wine) and am immersing myself in old episodes of Sex and the City on Cosmo. I am not ashamed to admit that I love(d) this series and am currently experiencing some fond deja vu.

When I first moved to Toronto in the fall of 2000, I was living in my very first OWN home. I loved my little loft on King West and how it afforded me the opportunity to do what I wanted and when I wanted. Saturday nights became my mandated night at home -- I'd start laundry for the week, clean the place and always always ALWAYS indulge in buttery popcorn for dinner followed by a couple glasses of wine... and Sex and the City. At that time, SATC was on Bravo after 11pm. I'd watch in bed and follow it up with miscellaneous crap shows on MTV (Sorority Life, Fraternity Life, etc.) before eventually falling asleep only to wake up, walk the dog and quickly get back into bed in time for Coronation Street to start.

Over the years, some of these have changed. I no longer eat popcorn for dinner because it isn't really the responsible thing to feed your family. Those cheesy shows on MTV are no longer on but that doesn't mean I haven't replaced them with things like The Bachelor & Jersey Shore (which I have somehow coerced poor D into watching with me). Sunday mornings are always reserved for Corrie though I now pepper my Sunday mornings with an early trip to the grocery store. Save for seeing the SATC movies, I haven't watched an episode in ages. Years.

Until recently... over the last few Saturday nights, I've found myself on the couch surfing the television while D has been out or busy doing his own thing downstairs. I have rediscovered my love for SATC. I found it on Cosmo a few weeks ago and it pretty much plays back-to-back episodes all Saturday evening from early until late. Last week, I stayed up way too late watching old episodes and I'm already feeling like tonight could be a repeat. Love this show. I popped some popcorn and settled in with a blanket & laptop to do my usual 'net surfing and am now 3 episodes in on the 3rd season.

My tame Saturday nights as of late are a total throwback to a time 10+ years ago. Good God, I wasn't even 25 at that time.

I've now officially made myself feel old & depressed. This senior citizen is shutting things down and heading to bed.

It's a Sign

I bought the wrong battery. Well, I bought a 3V but it is a different 3V than what we need for the scale. I'm taking it as a sign that I'm not meant to see a number yet.

3V

I decided this evening that I'm not okay with the scale being broken. Purchasing deodourant for D and a 3V battery are on the agenda for tomorrow. Like I said, I'm certain I've lost some weight because there is no way you can eat like a bird and lose zero. I *think* I can tell around my ribcage but my tummy is still there. I'm destined to have a round little belly for life. Bah. That belly means good things but it also drives my poor body image.

(And yes, I realize I need to be working out as well...)

I'm a start-finish sort of girl. I need clear parameters and I need something to motivate me to keep going. I'm sure I'll want to barf or gouge my eyes out (or both) when I see the number on the scale (good God, please be under 140lbs) but I need proof of my efforts and my fatty ways.

Buttery popcorn for a snack tonight. Hold up! Cleanse friendly. Thank God. I was salivating at the thought of just one sip of the wine in D's glass but resisted all temptation.

10 minutes away from day 13.

Friday the 13th

Once again, MIA. Knowingly. The lack of posts hasn't been because of work or home or even lack of things to say but more because I've been trying to wrap my head around my intentions for 2012. I'd like to say that I don't do NY resolutions but I do... I just don't put too much stock into them. As usual, I've got things like eat better, run more, work harder but this year (I think) is all about the moment. I'm determined to live in the moment and just ENJOY.

I'm making an effort to let go of resentment and any sort of bitterness and just move forward. It's not like I'm some scowling hag but yes, I tend to hold grudges and that can affect all other things. What's the point? To be honest, it isn't taking much of an effort because I'm just doing it. I'm done with it. I want to enjoy the day-to-day thing I've got going on over here. I want to stop & think and remind myself that it won't always be this way and that M is only small for such a short time. I need to focus my energy on enjoying M & D (and our families & friends) more and worry less about the stuff -- getting things done, going places, etc.

Anyway... I guess the word for 2012 is enjoy.

What else is new?

Today is day 11 of a cleanse. Well, same cleanse I did about 6 months ago (Wild Rose 12-Day Detox) and technically, tomorrow is my last day. Sunday? Day 1 or 13... however you choose to look at it. I've decided to do another round back-to-back in the hopes of establishing clean eating habits and of course, a bit of weight loss. I'm sure I've lost about 5lbs (scale is broken but I'm okay with that right now) but I have more to go. I'm at the point in the cleanse where it's safe to add in some exercise without fear of exploding so tomorrow, I'm going to attempt the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. It came in the mail today and I promptly sat down tonight to watch the Level 1 workout to see what I was in for... with bowl of popcorn in hand. Sigh. Popcorn WITH butter is allowed on the Wild Rose! It's not like I was cheating.

It's cold outside and there's snow on the ground so I think my running is on hold until spring. I'm sure I've said this before but I'm not meant to be a winter runner. I get out maybe 3 times every winter and it just isn't for me. So, I'll attempt the Shred and come February, get back into going to the gym. Again, need to finish the cleanse.

And that's pretty much the end of my Friday night stream of consciousness. It's early but I'm heading to bed. I've got a 25 minute workout planned for the morning. Barf.