Accepting the Ifs

For the longest time, I didn't think I wanted children. Suddenly, I missed a period, peed on a stick and gave birth 38 weeks later. Love. There is obviously much more to the story than just a don't/do situation and it involved a lot of questions & answers, self-reflection & heartache but here we are and life is good.

Since having M, I've really struggled with the notion of having a 2nd. I mean, I always assumed we'd have another baby because I didn't really want an only child. I wanted M to have the sort of sibling relationship that I share with my brother. I didn't want M to go through what D went through when his mom passed away because he was the only child.

We both always spattered appropriate conversations with "when we have" and never really used "if we have". We packed away M's baby stuff and moved it all -- every little bit -- into my parent's basement for later use. Slowly, conversations shifted to use "if/when we have another" until recently when I announced that I am done. I think. I am.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it and looking into it ('cause I weirdly google anything and everything) and I truly think I'm done. My reasons above are not a good reason for US to have a second baby. For us, there are many reasons for not having a 2nd. Yes, I realize it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself and maybe I am a bit.

I feel done. I feel complete. I feel like M is this bundle of perfection and why would I jinx it by trying to have another?! I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I love working. I love the life D & I can afford for our family with only one child. I feel like D & I can raise a thoughtful & caring but balanced singleton.

I feel like I've finally accepted the ifs and the life D & I have mapped out for our family. There's always a chance we'll change our minds but for right now, we are content and at peace with our decision.

Pretty random post for the first time in over a month, huh?