Killin' It

Day 14 of 15 and I'm STILL at it!  Pat, pat...  on my back.

I *think* I'm seeing some good things happen, too.  My jeans are feeling a bit looser in the butt and I can tell I'm losing around my ribcage.  That said, would love to actually see some progress in my midsection and less in my butt.  I really don't have much of a butt to lose so yeah, I'd like to see the weight fall from the other areas that need some assistance.  Specifically, the areas that give me great anxiety and lead to crap self esteem.

Moving on...

We're officially done with M's visits to the 3 private schools we've applied to and we've now heard back from two with a promise of paperwork from the 3rd.  The one we love love love has accepted M BUT it's also the one that doesn't necessarily work with our hours.  It's close to home and on the subway line but means we'd have to seek out before school care.  The other one we love love (note the missing love?) has wait listed M because they're already at 50% boys.  They have offers out to a bunch of girls right now and we should know shortly after March 1st if they've got a spot for M (and the Admissions Officer did say they're cautiously optimistic and that M is at the top of their list...  yeah, yeah...  I'm sure she says that to all the parents).  This place works for us for so many reasons -- hours, on the subway line just in case one of us is stranded elsewhere with the car, etc.  It also goes all the way to grade 12 should we decide to go that far.  And the last one?  It's in last place for a few reasons but we still liked it.  I'm pretty confident the offer is on the table but I'm also pretty confident it isn't for us.

I'm looking forward to an evening out with girlfriends tonight.  Dinner, drinks...  just being out with some of my BFFs.  It's been a long time since we've gotten together and I can't wait.  I'm hydrating already!

Other than that, life revolves around work these days.  Family, work, schools and working out.  My brain is pretty full right now but for the first time in a very long time, I feel settled and content.  Things are in a good place.

7 in 7

Last weekend, I (apparently) decided enough was enough and that I had to do something about my body.  My body image & self esteem sucks carrots and I'm fed up with feeling like I need to hide behind Spanx-style tank tops with lots of tugging up & down and tucking in & out just to feel like I'm looking decent.

So, I decided that I'd do 7 workouts in 7 days.  And know what?  I did it!  Today is day 7 and here is what I filled my week with in terms of exercise:

Sunday/Thursday/Friday:  Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Level 1
Monday/Wednesday:  5.3km & 5.6km run respectively
Tuesday:  In-home personal training session (ouch!)
Saturday:  Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Level 2

Now what?  15 in 15.  Gotta keep it going and right now, I don't want to stop because I'm loving the muscle hurt and the determination I feel.  The Shred videos take 25 minutes tops so there is no reason why I can't work those into my day.  I want to push myself for some further runs and ideally, I should be out there 3 days a week.

Stay tuned for an update on Sunday, February 24th for the 15th update!

Pet Peeves.

I have lots of pet peeves.  Almost too many (if you were to ask D) but in general, lots of things bug me.  As of late, here is just a taste of what's getting on my nerves...

1. People who constantly thank their spouse on FB or Twitter for doing simple things like making dinner or putting the kids to bed.  They're your SPOUSE -- not your employer.  They are a parent.  It is their responsibility to do that stuff.
2. And on that note, if your spouse requires such constant reassurance and recognition, I'd flag that as weakness and that in itself bugs me.
3. Whining.  From children or adults.  Co-workers, too.
4. People that hold doors to busy restaurants wide open during the winter while they peek in to see whether or not it's worth coming in to wait for a table.  Shut the f*cking door!  
5. Lego hats.  Everywhere but where they should be -- on Lego men heads.
6. Picking food up off the floor.  This was C's job.  Having to do it myself just makes me sad and annoyed.  More sad than annoyed but still...
7. The sound of winter boots smacking & shuffling on the sidewalk behind me.  Pick up your feet!  Flip flop wearers (yes, I am one but I consider myself a courteous flip flopper) get lumped in with this one, too.
8. Co-workers who come to your desk and acknowledge that you're eating your lunch yet continue to talk talk talk and demand enough attention that you have to stop what you're doing to go elsewhere when it isn't even urgent.
9. People who talk to me before I've even taken off my coat when I get to work.  
10. Line ups at Shoppers Drug Mart.  You have a hundred cash stations yet one person working and a line wrapping around the store.  Why?!

Over and out...  

Desperate Times = Desperate Measures?

Sort of.  But not really.

On Friday night, I signed up for 3 months of Weight Watchers.  What?!  I wasn't even drunk!  Anyway, I had to guess my weight because at 9pm on a Friday, there was no way I was getting on a scale so I entered 150lbs.  On Sunday, I hesitantly stepped on the scale and found that I *only* weighed 138lbs.  Phew.

My ultimate goal?  125lbs.  My realistic goal?  130lbs.  God, I'd love to be (and STAY) under 130lbs but I just don't know how realistic that is for me.

I created a new amazeballs 100 track running playlist to motivate me to get out and pound the pavement.  Tonight, I did just that and went for a brisk 4.5km.  I hate winter running so I'm not going to set a minimum amount of kilometers to run but I will aim to get out twice a week.  Reasonable.

This Friday is my next weigh in and I'm not expecting miracles but I am expecting some sort of give.  Anything.  I'll take what I can get.  For true.  I know the last 10lbs is supposed to be hard so I know it's not just going to fall off.  If I could be around 134lbs by my birthday at the end of this month, I'd be happy.  My next milestone would be 128lbs by M's birthday in early April.  125lbs by June?  Yes, please!

Anyway, counting points is sort of addictive and I'm digging the fact that I can still eat things like popcorn with butter (salted...  yum!) and have wine & beer.  I am (as usual) starting my new year off by scaling back (waaaaaay back) and cutting out the alcohol for a bit or really limiting myself to when out with friends or for a special occasion.  You know, keeping it clean.  Or attempted to anyway.

So?  Stay tuned.  I'll post a weigh in update on Friday.  Fingers crossed it's a positive one.

Resolutions 2013

Eat less.
Run more.
Purge the clutter.
Clear my mind.
Improve my relationship.
Be a better mum.
Work on ME.

Normal. Almost.

We're still here & we're still sad but we're moving ahead because that's what we have to do.  M still asks for Cear and talks about her like she's just in another room and it pretty much breaks my heart in half every.single.time.  The neighbours have noticed our absence from the sidewalks & parks and it's hard to tell them what happened.  We'll sing her praises forever and fondly remember her antics & nutty personality.  We're adapting to our new normal.

What else?

I'm cleansing.  Again.  Today is day 7 and I feel good.  I was bored out of my tree today and thought constantly about food & wine.  What does that say about me?

I got out last week for a couple short runs and it felt good.  My goal is 3x a week and all around the 5km mark.  Now to push myself to do it.  On that note, I had best intentions to get out this weekend and I didn't.  Lazy.

We finally started our Christmas shopping and in my eyes, M is done.  Ask D and you might get a different answer.  We don't have many to buy for but sometimes that is even harder.  It's like you really have to dig to get the perfect gift.  Hopefully we can knock a few more names off the list in the coming weeks.  I'd love to see half our list done before I go to NYC.  Obviously, it's because I want to free more funds for me & my shopping urges.

I've started planning our annual NYE party and I'm excited!  We've decided to go with an Italian theme so D & I are brainstorming a delicious menu.  

That's it, I think?  Yep, not much new to report over here.  Just checking in really...

Life as of Late

Busy.  Life is busy.  Work is busy.  M is BUSY.  We're just plain busy over here.  The weekdays fly by in 11-12 hour cycles and then it's all about dinner, bath & bedtime before trying to decompress before going to bed and starting all over again.  Weekends are for catching up, running errands and impromptu play dates & dinners with friends (like today/tonight).

What else?

Cear.  Sweet ol' Cear.  I won't go into all the details & drama but suffice to say, she is very sick.  We're enjoying her and loving on her constantly and riding out her time in the best way we can.

School for M.  We're at a loss of what to do and exploring lots of options.  The gist is that his potential public school just isn't a goodie and we're toying with the idea of private school, moving to a better school district or just sucking it up and sending him there.  There are perks to moving because our list of non-negotiable wants has changed in the 3 plus years we've been here (parking!!!) BUT we love our house & the area.

NYC!  Yes!  I am heading to the big city with two best girlfriends for a whirlwind weekend on December 7th.  I'm so excited!  Food, drink, walking & wandering and above all, finally seeing the tree in Rockefeller Centre!

I haven't run in ages and I continue to eat like shit.  It's awesome!  Um, no.  My plan is to pick up some new winter running gear this week and force myself out there.  Will be interesting to see if I make it happen.

Visitors

When we moved into our house, it was the first house I'd ever owned.  I was 37 weeks pregnant and the only thing on my mind was getting settled as quickly as possible before M joined our family.  My mum came on the first day with the rest of our family to help clean & set up the house from top to bottom and quickly stocked our freezer with muffins, breads and various baked goods like butter tarts, cheesecake brownies, etc.  Her advice?  ALWAYS have something in the freezer in case someone unexpectedly stops by to visit because that's what happens when you own a home.

Fast forward to the present day and I think we're at a tally of three (3!!!) visits from my BFF where I have had absolutely nothing in the freezer to offer as a snack.  Um yeah.  Being the best BFF ever, she must know this and ALWAYS brings muffins or cookies in her purse.  She showed up today with a stash of muffins for the little ones to snack on while playing.  Meanwhile, I could only drum up a pear & two apples to offer as snacks.

Definitely not the hostess with the mostess when it comes to daytime visiting.

M & I just grocery stopped & stocked up on a lot of pantry essentials.  D is away this weekend and it's miserably wet outside so I think M & I will take advantage and try to make some freezer meals & do some baking.  Yes...  baking!  I've got my mind set on making banana bread and maybe a batch of carrot pineapple bran muffins.

You know...  in case I have a visitor or two.

Back to School

My kid is barely past 3 and doesn't officially start school for another year.  He just graduated to Senior Preschool and in his eyes, it's the shit because he's in the bigger classroom and back with a few of his older friends...  you know, January babies and such.  Meanwhile, I'm completely freaking out about where the F we are are going to send him to school next year.

Seriously.

This is the stuff that is clouding my mind and keeping me up at night.  I can't stop obsessing about it and now D & I are coming up with ridiculous schemes to get us into areas with better schools.  Moving, private school, Catholic (um...  neither of us are practicing and heck, I'm not even Catholic but if it's a better school...) and using a friend's address are just many of the insane ideas filling our heads.

Why on earth are we such over-achievers when it comes to our 3 year old's future schooling?!  At the end of the day, I want him to learn in a welcoming environment under the tutelage of a teacher like my BFF (unfortunately, we can't get him into her awesome school) and I just want him to have friends and be a nice little boy.  Sigh.

Am I really going to obsess about this for the next year?

What to do, what to do... sigh.

On the training front, I ran 6km last Thursday and have basically done very little since.  After my 15km on Monday followed by my big spill on Wednesday, my knee & ankle needed some rest.  So, rest I did and I basically haven't gone back out there despite intentions to run 5 short runs in a row this week.  I need to scale back on the long SRs because I'm simply over doing it.

Yes, I realize it sounds like an excuse.  I isn't.  I hope it isn't.  My body just isn't responding as well as I'd like and believe me, it pisses me off.  Why the F did I let myself get SO out of shape after the last season ended?!  Stupid.

But I'm in a bit of a pickle now...  remember when I went on and on about walking in the Weekend to End Women's Cancers?  And then when I said I had chosen the half-marathon over the walk?  Well, I don't know what to do.  My gut (and my guilt) is telling me to WALK.  What's more important?  Personal best (not that the race would be but you know what I mean) or bonding, inspiration & just good ol' giving.  A big part of me thinks that I just won't be ready in time for the run and that's really okay.  I can run another race in the spring or I can get out there and do what I can.  So maybe I'm trying to talk myself into doing the walk knowing it may really screw my body for what I've been working towards as of late?  Sigh.  I really don't know what to do.  I want to walk because I want to be a part of that movement and it is so important for me to walk because my MIL doesn't have that chance.  I never want M to go through what D did when his mom passed away.  I want to run to prove to myself that I can do it again and that I can achieve that goal.  I want M to be proud of me for committing and being active.

I have no idea what to do.

Mother's Day

In advance of the big day, I got in touch with a couple mum friends and suggested we meet up for pints.  Sounds good, right?  It was great.  I spent the morning with my boys (was treated to a new iPod Nano & running watch, a lie in and breakfast made by someone other than ME) and then skipped off to meet up with two friends.  We spent the afternoon slinging pints, eating cheeses & oysters before stumbling home 8 (yes, 8!!!) hours later.  Bed by 11pm and not a fuzzy feeling in the head the next day!

Definitely needs to become tradition.  Definitely.

Are you a 10?

2012 marks the 10th year of the Weekend to End Women's Cancers in Toronto, which has raised over $120 million benefitting The Princess Margaret Hospital.

After being approached (read: coerced & bullied) by fellow co-workers, I approached (read: coerced & bullied) my BFF at work into doing the walk with me & joining the company team.  Despite the revolting blood blisters on my heels and hips that clickity-clacked more than M's Thomas train set for weeks (or months) onwards, it was worth it.  It was so so SO worth it.  It's gut wrenching and motivating and tearjerking and inspiring and tiring and empowering all rolled up into a tight ball of goodness.

Last year, I walked in memory of D's mom who we lost in March 2011 after a very short battle with ovarian cancer.  I walked for & with everyone who has had to go what she did or faced that battle.  I walked for D and M so they don't ever have to know what it feels like to live through that again.  I walked for ME because I'll be damned if any of these cancers are going to affect my family again.

I'll be walking again this year and I'm prepared.  My feet will be covered in Bodyglide and I'll have tissues at the ready.  I'm ready for the tears & the laughs and a good solid time with friends & co-workers.  I'm ready to do my part for research & support.  This year, I am a 10.

2 Months Plus Some

I've been MIA.  Again.  Work & family life has been nuts lately.  I need a weekend just to recover from my weekend.  I'm frazzled yet collected yet coming apart at the seams yet making it happen.  You know? I haven't been in a great place mentally lately so I've been avoiding blogging.  I feel bitchy and cranky and disgruntled.  And tired.  Oh so tired.  Alas, I've got to get it together, plod ahead and get into a better mindset.

Things...

We went to NYC.  I'll do another food review soon.  We ate our way through the city AGAIN.  Obviously.

M turned 3!!!  Time really does fly when you're having fun.

18+ months of hard work have paid off and construction activities have started on my site.  The insanity is about to increase...  tenfold.

I read the Fifty Shades trilogy.  I want to read it again.  I might need my own Christian Grey.

So...

Yeah, that's it for me.  I haven't jumped ship and I'm still here...  hoping to blog a bit more soon.

(Both times, I typed blob instead of blog...  am I trying to tell you something?)

Saturday (Wine Induced) Randomness

When I was pregnant, I craved Journey. Yes, Journey... the 80s rock group. I listened to Don't Stop Believing every.single.day of my pregnancy.

Loudly.

Multiple times.

Driving in my MINI.

Good times.

Accepting the Ifs

For the longest time, I didn't think I wanted children. Suddenly, I missed a period, peed on a stick and gave birth 38 weeks later. Love. There is obviously much more to the story than just a don't/do situation and it involved a lot of questions & answers, self-reflection & heartache but here we are and life is good.

Since having M, I've really struggled with the notion of having a 2nd. I mean, I always assumed we'd have another baby because I didn't really want an only child. I wanted M to have the sort of sibling relationship that I share with my brother. I didn't want M to go through what D went through when his mom passed away because he was the only child.

We both always spattered appropriate conversations with "when we have" and never really used "if we have". We packed away M's baby stuff and moved it all -- every little bit -- into my parent's basement for later use. Slowly, conversations shifted to use "if/when we have another" until recently when I announced that I am done. I think. I am.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it and looking into it ('cause I weirdly google anything and everything) and I truly think I'm done. My reasons above are not a good reason for US to have a second baby. For us, there are many reasons for not having a 2nd. Yes, I realize it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself and maybe I am a bit.

I feel done. I feel complete. I feel like M is this bundle of perfection and why would I jinx it by trying to have another?! I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I love working. I love the life D & I can afford for our family with only one child. I feel like D & I can raise a thoughtful & caring but balanced singleton.

I feel like I've finally accepted the ifs and the life D & I have mapped out for our family. There's always a chance we'll change our minds but for right now, we are content and at peace with our decision.

Pretty random post for the first time in over a month, huh?

Saturday Night Party

Between trying to stay warm on this chilly Saturday and hoping to dig myself out of this mountain of work that followed me home this weekend, I'm finally sitting on the couch and doing nothing. I snacked on buttery popcorn, nursed some Emergen-C (the sick & cleansing girl's alternative to wine) and am immersing myself in old episodes of Sex and the City on Cosmo. I am not ashamed to admit that I love(d) this series and am currently experiencing some fond deja vu.

When I first moved to Toronto in the fall of 2000, I was living in my very first OWN home. I loved my little loft on King West and how it afforded me the opportunity to do what I wanted and when I wanted. Saturday nights became my mandated night at home -- I'd start laundry for the week, clean the place and always always ALWAYS indulge in buttery popcorn for dinner followed by a couple glasses of wine... and Sex and the City. At that time, SATC was on Bravo after 11pm. I'd watch in bed and follow it up with miscellaneous crap shows on MTV (Sorority Life, Fraternity Life, etc.) before eventually falling asleep only to wake up, walk the dog and quickly get back into bed in time for Coronation Street to start.

Over the years, some of these have changed. I no longer eat popcorn for dinner because it isn't really the responsible thing to feed your family. Those cheesy shows on MTV are no longer on but that doesn't mean I haven't replaced them with things like The Bachelor & Jersey Shore (which I have somehow coerced poor D into watching with me). Sunday mornings are always reserved for Corrie though I now pepper my Sunday mornings with an early trip to the grocery store. Save for seeing the SATC movies, I haven't watched an episode in ages. Years.

Until recently... over the last few Saturday nights, I've found myself on the couch surfing the television while D has been out or busy doing his own thing downstairs. I have rediscovered my love for SATC. I found it on Cosmo a few weeks ago and it pretty much plays back-to-back episodes all Saturday evening from early until late. Last week, I stayed up way too late watching old episodes and I'm already feeling like tonight could be a repeat. Love this show. I popped some popcorn and settled in with a blanket & laptop to do my usual 'net surfing and am now 3 episodes in on the 3rd season.

My tame Saturday nights as of late are a total throwback to a time 10+ years ago. Good God, I wasn't even 25 at that time.

I've now officially made myself feel old & depressed. This senior citizen is shutting things down and heading to bed.

3V

I decided this evening that I'm not okay with the scale being broken. Purchasing deodourant for D and a 3V battery are on the agenda for tomorrow. Like I said, I'm certain I've lost some weight because there is no way you can eat like a bird and lose zero. I *think* I can tell around my ribcage but my tummy is still there. I'm destined to have a round little belly for life. Bah. That belly means good things but it also drives my poor body image.

(And yes, I realize I need to be working out as well...)

I'm a start-finish sort of girl. I need clear parameters and I need something to motivate me to keep going. I'm sure I'll want to barf or gouge my eyes out (or both) when I see the number on the scale (good God, please be under 140lbs) but I need proof of my efforts and my fatty ways.

Buttery popcorn for a snack tonight. Hold up! Cleanse friendly. Thank God. I was salivating at the thought of just one sip of the wine in D's glass but resisted all temptation.

10 minutes away from day 13.

Friday the 13th

Once again, MIA. Knowingly. The lack of posts hasn't been because of work or home or even lack of things to say but more because I've been trying to wrap my head around my intentions for 2012. I'd like to say that I don't do NY resolutions but I do... I just don't put too much stock into them. As usual, I've got things like eat better, run more, work harder but this year (I think) is all about the moment. I'm determined to live in the moment and just ENJOY.

I'm making an effort to let go of resentment and any sort of bitterness and just move forward. It's not like I'm some scowling hag but yes, I tend to hold grudges and that can affect all other things. What's the point? To be honest, it isn't taking much of an effort because I'm just doing it. I'm done with it. I want to enjoy the day-to-day thing I've got going on over here. I want to stop & think and remind myself that it won't always be this way and that M is only small for such a short time. I need to focus my energy on enjoying M & D (and our families & friends) more and worry less about the stuff -- getting things done, going places, etc.

Anyway... I guess the word for 2012 is enjoy.

What else is new?

Today is day 11 of a cleanse. Well, same cleanse I did about 6 months ago (Wild Rose 12-Day Detox) and technically, tomorrow is my last day. Sunday? Day 1 or 13... however you choose to look at it. I've decided to do another round back-to-back in the hopes of establishing clean eating habits and of course, a bit of weight loss. I'm sure I've lost about 5lbs (scale is broken but I'm okay with that right now) but I have more to go. I'm at the point in the cleanse where it's safe to add in some exercise without fear of exploding so tomorrow, I'm going to attempt the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. It came in the mail today and I promptly sat down tonight to watch the Level 1 workout to see what I was in for... with bowl of popcorn in hand. Sigh. Popcorn WITH butter is allowed on the Wild Rose! It's not like I was cheating.

It's cold outside and there's snow on the ground so I think my running is on hold until spring. I'm sure I've said this before but I'm not meant to be a winter runner. I get out maybe 3 times every winter and it just isn't for me. So, I'll attempt the Shred and come February, get back into going to the gym. Again, need to finish the cleanse.

And that's pretty much the end of my Friday night stream of consciousness. It's early but I'm heading to bed. I've got a 25 minute workout planned for the morning. Barf.

NYE 2011

I guess this is when I'm supposed sum up the last year and make grand sweeping resolutions about the one to come? Um.

I'm really not feeling very reflective lately. If anything, I've been dragging this nagging defeated feeling around with me for a little bit now and I'm trying to get over it. I simply feel defeated. Lots of successes but lots of things that I wouldn't call failures but more or less speed bumps in the day to day. Maybe this is my thing? I know I felt this way last year around this time, too.

2011 was a good year. It was a sad year, too. It was challenging and trying at times, too. But, it was damn rewarding. Achievements all around for my little family with D, M & I exceeding milestones & goals. Things happened that will stay with us forever and that's okay. Sad but okay. We learn from them, right? We change our ways & behaviour and when we say we'll do it differently, we do our best to do it.

What's on the horizon for 2012? Lots. I'm not a fortune teller and I've never seen a psychic but I'm pretty sure it's going to be a good good year. I'm rapidly approaching my 35th birthday and some big professional bests at work. D & I will celebrate our 2nd anniversary (yes, do the math... SINNERS!) and I'm sure that anniversary will come with a weekend in NYC. We'll continue to watch with amazement as M grows into this little boy before our eyes and soon enough, we'll be singing at his 3rd birthday. All of that and that only gets us to April! See? Big things, people, big things. I'd say it's really just the beginning of the good stuff...

Memories

Know that feeling of remembering something that you were likely too young to really remember when it happened? Like, you talk about or do something with your little one and sort of suddenly remember it happening to you as a child?

When I was growing up, we used to visit my nan every Saturday night in Toronto. My aunts and their families all lived close to her so it was pretty much a family affair every week. We'd make the 45 minute drive for dinner & a visit and before we'd leave, my parents would get me (my brother was 7 years older) into my pajamas and we'd head for home. Inevitably, I'd fall asleep in the car and my mum or dad would have to unbuckle me & carry me upstairs to bed. I feel like this is something I *shouldn't* be able to remember because I was likely so young and it was so long ago. It's like I'm just creating those memories in my head because I know it actually happened and have heard the stories from my parents. Regardless, it's a sweet memory and I'm holding on to it.

Following dinner at my parent's house tonight, we got M into his jammies and ready to go. It was well past his bedtime by the time we started our 45 minute drive and by the time we got home, he was still awake but so tired. I scooped him out of his car seat and carried him inside. He chose the toys he'd like to take to bed (James & Salty from the Thomas series) and we walked upstairs. He was asleep within minutes and as I type this, I can hear his little breaths through the monitor. I had such a warm feeling the entire time and it was like I had one of those "I am my mum or dad" moments. It was a really nice, envelope yourself in warmth & love sort of feelings. It's sort of like things have come full circle.

All in all, a fabulous day with family. By the end of this evening, my Christmas spirit was restored -- the frustrating attempts to find the perfect gift for hard to buy for people and the general madness at work that has overshadowed decorating & prepping and everything else that fought my spirit were gone. Today, it was just about being with family and having fun. I feel like I soaked it all in and really enjoyed everything about it... laughs, food and yes, the gifts.

Today was a lovely little day and one that I will carry with me. I know it happened because I was there... and I'll remind M of the times we used to carry him out of the car and straight to bed when he's doing the same with his little ones.