5 Days

And I can't stop looking for her.  I keep looking at all her spots to see if she's there... under the coffee table, in the bedroom, behind the dining room table, in the kitchen under foot...  it just doesn't seem real that she's gone.

I cancelled the cleaning ladies yesterday because I wasn't ready for all traces of Cear to be gone.  I don't want to sweep up the furry tumbleweeds and I don't want to take a lint brush to the couch.  I didn't want to put away her food bowls or beds but I finally did today.  That corner of our kitchen & bedroom will never look the same.

I miss her so much.

100lbs

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I have to say that my sweet Cear passed over the Rainbow Bridge today.  I am shocked, devastated and just plain heartbroken.  I honestly think my heart weights 100lbs right now.

To Cear...

You were my best, my favourite and my sweet...  we spent 13 years together and you were by my side for everything -- university, jobs, marriage, divorce, baby, marriage, life...  I cannot believe you're gone.  My heart is certainly empty and our house feels the same.  I will love and miss you forever.

Godspeed sweet Cear...  xo.

Lately...

I've sat down many times and thought about writing this post but never really know how to start, what to say or even whether this is too private for the outside world.

After a very short battle with ovarian cancer, my mother-in-law passed away in the early hours of March 19th. Sad. After only a few weeks of symptoms, the tumour was found in early January and she was scheduled for a hysterectomy near the end the of February. After ending up in the hospital due to blood clots in her leg & lung on January 30th, the next few weeks were filled with complications, setbacks and various illnesses. Some short 6 weeks later, she was simply too sick to fight and her poor body had been through enough.

My MIL was a fantastic woman. Yes, I complained about her at times but aren't we as daughters-in-law entitled to the odd 'back off' moment? She loved her family and they were the reason she lived. Her son & grandson were hands down the most important people in her life. Her husband was a close fourth preceded by the family dog! It breaks my heart to know that she will never see or experience M's firsts but more so that he will never truly know his grandma. Again, sad. Sad & unfair.

Ovarian cancer is the most serious of all gynecological cancers and it can strike with few or no symptoms. For those reasons alone and with no current screening measures, it is easily missed. Most women have or will experience some of the common symptoms at some point and there is really no reason to ever suspect cancer. Honestly, why would you?

So, if anything comes of this, KNOW your body. Know what is right, what may be odd and certainly, what is wrong for you and your body. Spend just one month paying attention to your body and it will teach you so much. Track your cycle for one month and you'll know even more. The body is an amazing thing and what it will tell you will blow your mind.

http://www.ovariancanada.org/KnowledgeAwareness/Detecting-Ovarian-Cancer

JATB... You will be missed by all.

Sad.

And right after I hit "publish post" I went to www.thestar.com and came across this story:

http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/article/859945--terminal-cancer-patient-raises-30-000-for-princess-margaret-hospital?bn=1

Sort of makes all the worries & stresses I wrote about in my last post seem so small and insignificant. So unfair and completely heartbreaking.