Judgment Day

A friend's FB status today was about how her kids go bananas when walking into daycare and insist on being carried. She was venting and maybe asking for a bit of advice when one of our mutual friends chimed in and the first question she asked was "do you feel guilty for taking your kids to daycare" before moving on to other questions and finally suggesting that maybe the kids are picking up on mom's vibes.

This question pissed me off. It really did and I let it be known. Yes, I know what she was getting at and she didn't really mean for it to be interpreted that way but she said it and it rubbed me the wrong way. I responded with a sarcastic "I didn't know we were supposed to feel guilty for taking our kids to daycare" before responding directly to my friend's original status.

Stuff like this gets my back up. I've had SO many people ask me if I feel guilty for working or how many hours M spends at daycare and while I maybe sometimes feel not-so-great-on-certain-but-rare-days, I am so over the guilt thing. This is our reality and it works for us and ALL of us are thriving and dare I say... loving it?

As mothers, we judge. I know I did (and do truth be told) though I'm trying to ignore anything that doesn't involve me & our bubble of a life but yeah, I judge the mother who stands there pushing a baby stroller while smoking or the mother who makes no attempt to teach her kid manners and I certainly judge the mother who judges ME. I try not to judge the action but yes ma'am, I will judge the person who judges me.

Since having a baby, I have noticed that some other mothers feel it's within their right to question other mother's parenting choices. The first question most people ask after a mother has her baby is if she had an epidural (I did) or if she did it all naturally. I had SO many people pass judgment on me because I/we CHOSE not to breastfeed. Friends made comments, suggested I just try it, tell me it was better for MY baby, etc. We did not practice attachment parenting and in my little online community of mothers, that was a fate worse than death. When I went back to work, friends constantly asked if I felt guilty about it or if I thought I SHOULD stay home with my son or even implied that my choice to return to work was BAD.

I really don't care how you raise your kid(s) because at the end of the day, you don't live in my home. As long as your kid grows to be a functioning part of society -- you know, doesn't rob banks, beat up other kids and that sort of thing -- I don't care what you do to get them there. Your daughter is in daycare? *gasp* You breastfed your toddler? *omg* You gave birth and took the drugs? *shame* Why do we do this to each other?!

Judge me or make a blanket judgmental statement and yes, I'll judge you for making such ridiculous and ignorant comments that work to make a mother feel badly about the decisions she (and her partner) have made. I'll maybe even judge you for the fear that your kids will pick up on these sorts of ignorant thoughts.

Accepting the Ifs

For the longest time, I didn't think I wanted children. Suddenly, I missed a period, peed on a stick and gave birth 38 weeks later. Love. There is obviously much more to the story than just a don't/do situation and it involved a lot of questions & answers, self-reflection & heartache but here we are and life is good.

Since having M, I've really struggled with the notion of having a 2nd. I mean, I always assumed we'd have another baby because I didn't really want an only child. I wanted M to have the sort of sibling relationship that I share with my brother. I didn't want M to go through what D went through when his mom passed away because he was the only child.

We both always spattered appropriate conversations with "when we have" and never really used "if we have". We packed away M's baby stuff and moved it all -- every little bit -- into my parent's basement for later use. Slowly, conversations shifted to use "if/when we have another" until recently when I announced that I am done. I think. I am.

I spend a lot of time thinking about it and looking into it ('cause I weirdly google anything and everything) and I truly think I'm done. My reasons above are not a good reason for US to have a second baby. For us, there are many reasons for not having a 2nd. Yes, I realize it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself and maybe I am a bit.

I feel done. I feel complete. I feel like M is this bundle of perfection and why would I jinx it by trying to have another?! I don't ever want to be pregnant again. I love working. I love the life D & I can afford for our family with only one child. I feel like D & I can raise a thoughtful & caring but balanced singleton.

I feel like I've finally accepted the ifs and the life D & I have mapped out for our family. There's always a chance we'll change our minds but for right now, we are content and at peace with our decision.

Pretty random post for the first time in over a month, huh?