Working Girl!

It's that time. Everywhere I go, people look at M and immediately ask the following questions:

When are you going back to work? Have you made arrangements for daycare yet?

I respond with my standard "heading back on April 26th and still working on the daycare or nanny situation," which is almost always met with a sad shake of the head like it's the most terrible thing ever.

Okay, it is... sort of. I am VERY sad to leave M and it kills me to think of all the moments I will miss with him. I will likely pine desperately for him throughout the day and have him constantly in my thoughts. I dread the idea of someone else getting to spend all that fun time with my son and giving him the cuddles & love he'd be getting from me. I even broke down in tears when D & I drove by one potential daycare on the weekend!

BUT...

I want to go back to work. Why should saying that make me feel like a bad mother? It makes me feel like I'm being judged and that I should be ashamed of making that choice. I want to work! I want to work! Ah, liberating. I love what I do and am simply not ready to stop working yet. I have spent the last 10 years building up my career and want to push it forward.

It makes me feel like I have to justify my thoughts to perfect strangers. Could I quit my job and stay home? Yes but it would be tough financially. It would also be extremely tough on me mentally & emotionally. Admittedly, I find being at home at times mind numbing and it's hard for me to get motivated to do anything. I dread simple tasks because I don't feel challenged. I truly believe that going back to work will help me find a better balance between home & work and will teach me to really appreciate those little moments with M that I am no doubt taking for granted. Going back to work will make me a better mother & wife.

It's ironic that I used to always insist that I would not have children unless I could afford to stay home with them, much like my mum did with us. I was anti-daycare and wanted to be the person "raising" my children. It's now a huge pet peeve of mine when people imply that we will no longer be raising M because he will spend part of his day with someone else.

While I am envious of those who are fortunate enough to be stay-at-home-moms, I know that it isn't what's right for me right now. That said, I've yet to drop him off at daycare or leave him behind with a nanny and head off on my merry way to work. Who knows what will happen once I step through those doors?