Whoa! Hold Up!

When I started this blog, I cleverly set my byline as "random musing & rants of a girl who is attempting to do and have it all while raising her little person" as it pretty much summed up my new role as mother, wife/partner and working girl. This week, the whole "do and have it all" train pretty much came off the tracks and I melted down in a freak out of epic proportions.

Wednesday started out as any other typical morning. Alarm goes off at 5:15am and it's go go go from that point onwards. Shower & dress myself, dress & feed baby, prepare breakfasts & lunches and pack stuff for the day. Typical & predictable. Heading out the door, we see the car about to be ticketed because our street parking permit has expired. I tell the parking officer I've got the new one inside and jet back in to grab it. He drives off in good faith and I am reduced to tears inside the house once I finally find the paperwork and realize that I hadn't renewed our permits. I simply forgot to do it and shuffled the paperwork off into a little pile never to be looked at again... until it was too late.

D & I walk back outside and as D prepares to get in the car and I to start my jog to daycare with M in the jogging stroller, I basically start rambling on and on about how I'm overwhelmed, stressed, unorganized and feeling completely inadequate. I dramatically say how I'm late for work already and push off with the stroller. To add insult to injury, the rain started pouring as I cried & ran my way to daycare. Not only did I show up to work in my (as of late) uniform of Spandex but I looked like a drowned rat who borrowed make-up tips from a raccoon to boot.

That day, I realized that I cannot do this 100% by myself. I need help and whether that help comes from D, our parents or even an outside source like a cleaning service, it doesn't matter. I need help and I need to get past my passive-aggressive nature and ask for it. I am good at nagging and bitching but not so good at being direct and asking for help. There are not enough hours in the day and I can't do it all by myself. Between keeping a clean house, preparing meals, entertaining a toddler and finding 'me time' for both D & I as well as time for each other, I'm absolutely beat and discouraged. I'm crawling into bed at 8:30pm most nights out of sheer exhaustion.

D and I had a good chat last night and I think we both said a lot of things that we need to have the other do as well as recognized how we need to change ourselves. I think we both left the house this morning feeling happier than we have in a long time. We worked together this morning and didn't snap at each other once. We have a plan in place for mornings now and that feels like a zillion pounds of weight off my back. I like knowing we'll have good 'give and take' that works for both of us and gives us each some time to ourselves in the evening to pursue the things like biking or running that we want to do this summer. We also know what we need to do to keep each other happy.

So, we're moving in the right direction. Baby steps! The train may not be going full steam ahead but at least it's moving.