I went back to the local drop-in yesterday and met up with a lot of caregivers I'd met last week. Apparently, word had spread that we're looking for a live-out nanny come April after I'd casually mentioned it to the woman who runs the centre last week. Well, I got a lead! One of the caregivers I'd met the week before said her sister is coming off a contract and looking for a new position. She took my name & number and now I'm waiting to hear from her.
I know she may not be 'the one' but I'm pleased to see the direction this is heading. The woman who runs the centre is able to give me a lot of feedback on the caregivers she sees and I get a bit more comfort knowing that someone 'knows' this person versus pulling a name from an ad off the Internet. Of course, I know this is also just the start of a long list of things to do from interviews to background checks to trial runs but at least it means we're on our way to finding care for M.
The centre I go to has a much higher ratio of caregivers:parents and in fact, I have only ever seen one other parent there. All of the nannies were very involved with their children and I was so impressed to see & feel the love between them. It was so evident that each of the children adored their caregiver and that those feelings were reciprocated. It gave me a lot of comfort to think that is the relationship M will hopefully have one day.
Don't get me wrong... I am absolutely torn about going back to work and leaving M in the care of someone else. I'm afraid that I'm going to miss moments & firsts with him or that our time together will be so short each evening. I'm worried that he won't get the care that I would give him despite best intentions & expectations.
But I also know that I NEED to go back to work. I need it for my sanity and to be a better mum. I need to get back into an adult environment where I'm valued, engaged & a part of a bigger goal. I need the routine, the pressure and stress of deadlines and the drive that work gives me.
These feelings of guilt are the worst. It doesn't matter which side of the fence I'm on because I'm always going to feel guilty. I'll spend my days at work thinking of M but if I didn't go back, I'd always be wondering 'what would I be working on' and that isn't right for me either. My only hope is that we find a fabulous caregiver who meshes with our family and loves M as much as we do. I think it's the only way this transition will be easy on any of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment